From the Vice-President

Wren

The Dream:

I was in Paris standing on a bridge, paint box and easel in tow, looking for a place to paint. I looked into the waters of the Seine and a movement caught my eye. I moved closer aware that there was no railing on this bridge, and I need to take care lest I fall into the water. I dropped to my hands and knees to   get a better look. I saw a man completely submerged in the swirling, crystal clear water busy at his easel. He remained concentrated on the work in front of him and took no notice of me. I moved closer, feeling the rock of the bridge crumbling under me when I lost my balance and my paint box. I became afraid for my life and backed away from the edge even though I had lost something very precious to me.

Scene shift: I’m in an apartment that I’m sharing with two friends who are well known to me. I know that I must get to the airport for my flight home. I implore each in turn to hurry. Time is running out and I will miss my flight if we don’t leave immediately. They both say in turn that their flights aren’t until later so they have no reason to hurry. they turn their backs and continue with mundane occupations. I’m frustrated and pacing when there is a knock at the door. It’s the man from the water returning my paint box. I immediately open it to check for damage, and a bright , golden light washes over my face. Everything is fresh, dry and more perfect than when it first left my hands. I am relieved and grateful to have that piece of my soul returned.

Scene shift: I’m alone in a small yellow car franticly driving myself to the airport. I’m weaving in and out of traffic going faster and faster sometimes on four wheels, but more   often on two. I must not miss my flight. Panic. Then the thought occurs to me that I have a one way ticket and there is no one to take responsibility for the vehicle once I have left it at the airport. A voice in my head says that the vehicle doesn’t matter anymore; the important thing is that I don’t miss my flight.

The Reality:

One of my friends from the dream was visiting for the weekend. She was taking refuge from the cold north in the sunny south when I received the news of my dear friend’s suicide. He was one of the most creative, sensitive human beings that I know; a man who wore his heart on his sleeve. At age forty-two, he was also a young man. I was devastated and grateful for my companion’s comfort. My first reaction was denial. This could not be; he had so much to live for and he was so well loved. This was followed by anger. How could he do this? I felt myself thrust into the stages of grief. My next emotion was fear for his immortal soul. Suicide is a sin, isn’t it? Or is it? As I assume we all do, I looked to my religious beliefs for comfort and answers.

Many of us came to an alternative religious path after a Judeo-Christian upbringing. It was a conscious choice to pursue a path that was more sensible to our sensitivities. I caught myself thinking how odd it was that I would immediately snap back to the roots of my youth in a moment of crisis. The voice from my past intoned that suicide is a sin and my beloved’s soul is damned to a Dantesque Hell for eternity. That is a terrifying thought for a loved one. I reached down deep, grabbed my bootstraps and pulled for all my worth, effectively putting on the brakes, and I turned my tear stained face toward the Beliefs of Keltrian Druidism.

The pertinent beliefs for this situation begin with number four:   “We believe that all life is sacred and should be neither harmed nor taken without deliberation or regard”.   Okay.      From what I understand, my friend deliberated much in his journal entries, and this was not his first attempt in recent weeks. I must accept that he gave this decision much thought as far as his situation was concerned. On the other hand, it’s difficult for me to see that he weighed the terrible impact that his choice would have on those who loved him well.

Number five states: “We believe in the immortality of the spirit.”   Period. Okay. I see nothing here that indicates there are any caveats regarding how a person enters the world of spirit. I will admit that my husband and I disagree on the matter of spirit surviving cremation intact. It’s fine to disagree on the details; to agree to disagree.

On to number six:   “We believe that our purpose is to gain wisdom through experience, and that we may undergo several incarnations to facilitate the variety of experience necessary to gain wisdom.” Okay. Suicide is an experience, I suppose, although I’m not sure how wisdom is gained from that experience. If I have a concern here, it’s the reincarnation bit. Does a soul set himself or herself back when a life is consciously ended before its time? At least there is the opportunity for a do-over. I’m reasonably certain that in my perception of these matters, first-hand knowledge does not follow into the next life. The danger of repetition is very real for me in this instance.

Number eight is giving me some problems:   “We believe that morality is a matter of personal conviction based upon self-respect and respect for others.” The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy states:

“The term “morality” can be used either:

1) descriptively to refer to a code of conduct put forward by a society or,

  a) some other group, such as a religion, or

  b) accepted by an individual for her own behavior or

2) normatively to refer to a code of conduct that, given specified conditions, would be put forward by all rational persons.”

Okay. I’m not sure how suicide reflects self-respect as stated in this belief. I suppose there is an argument out there for it, but I don’t have the energy nor the heart to pursue it at this writing. I certainly do not see how suicide demonstrates respect for the others whose hearts are left with torn holes in the ragged shape of that loved one. These are wounds that take a long time to heal; if they heal at all.

Regarding item 1a from the Stanford Encyclopedia, the Henge does not dictate dogma. Our belief in this matter states that morality is “a matter of personal conviction”. It’s unlikely that we will hear from the Council of Elders on this matter; however, it would be an interesting and most likely lively discussion.

The second usage, the normative, indicates specific conditions and refers to rationality. I’m having a hard time seeing that my friend was being rational. This may be selfish on my part, but my personal view is that suicide is a selfish choice. No matter how many lemons you are handed in life, I feel we are obligated to work things out in the here and now. In my estimation, life is about learning and our experiences, good and bad, all contribute to building the character of the spirit. We all have to eat our peck of dirt as my sainted mother is fond of saying. If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger, which is a good thing. You accumulate universal brownie points so to speak.

Finally, number eleven states:   “We believe that every individual has the right to pursue knowledge and wisdom through his/her chosen path”. Okay. I can see how knowledge of the Other Side, could be gained through deliberately ending one’s life. I’m having trouble understanding the “wisdom” of it, though. I went back to the web, as I did for number eight and chose three definitions:

The Random House College Dictionary defines “wisdom” as: “Knowledge of what is true or right coupled with good judgement”

Okay. I can accept that “truth” is subjective. What is true for me may not be true for someone else. The same goes for what is “right”. I’m a tad iffy regarding the “good judgement” bit. I really can’t see that killing yourself is good judgement in most cases, although, it appears that my friend thought about that long and hard.

The dictionary on my computer desktop offered this:   1) “The quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgement; the quality of being wise.” 2)   “The soundness of an action or decision with regard to the application of such experience, knowledge and good judgement.”

Okay. I’m back to “good judgement” again. Usually, when I’m faced with a decision, I seek out friends and family for a reality check; especially when my choice affects them, and/or has permanent ramifications. In this case, my friend avoided specific people who would sense his despair, and subsequently attempt to talk him out of hurting himself and those around him.

Lastly, the generic web answer was this:   “Wisdom is defined as one’s use of one’s intelligence, creativity, and knowledge for a common good, over the long and short terms, as guided by values, through a balance among one’s own, other people’s and higher interests (such as community or global ones)”.

I saved the best for last. The key words for me here are “intelligence” and “creativity”, as well as “common good” and “higher interests”. As I mentioned above, my perception of what is right and good is not necessarily the same for my neighbor, so that would cover my friend’s apparent grasp of “common good” and “higher interests”. I’ve always regarded my friend as extremely intelligent and incredibly creative. I suppose that explains the depth and breadth of my grief. I do not understand how he possibly could have reasoned that the world would be better off without his light and laughter in it. Distance prevented me from attending his memorial service, which was a disappointment for me. I heard reports indicating that the room was packed. He was well loved by the community

Conclusion

My house guest and I filled the day walking a lot and doing touristy things around town. She said that we didn’t have to leave the house that day, but being busy and stimulated with fun, happy things seemed the right thing to do, so off we went into the sunshine, arm in arm, seeking adventures in life. Later that evening, she and I sat on the deck in shirtsleeves, watching lightning bugs float through the trees and scanning the sky. Without looking at each other, we started to sing Don McLean’s Starry, Starry Night. Well, she sang and I cracked and croaked, but we both felt better for it.

In the three weeks since my friend’s passing, I have philosophically wrangled with my emotions and my intellect. I was concerned that he was stuck between the worlds due to the emotional violence of his death. I was also disappointed that I had no message from his spirit. Then came the dream.

The dream was a gift from my friend. The bridge was a dangerous place; there was no railing. He did not make it across from the sources of his dilemmas to the solutions. I nearly fell in myself. He’s separated from me - under the water. He has clarity - the water was clean. He is no longer blocked - the water was moving. He is involved in a new and totally engrossing project - he didn’t acknowledge my presence on the bridge. His life was out of control - the little yellow car careening down the highway. He just simply couldn’t miss his flight even though the people around him weren’t ready to go. It didn’t matter where he left the car, his body, the vehicle of his life. Other aspects of the dream are personal although I included them for continuity of the story. People who know me well will understand the imagery.

So what do I think I know? I do believe that my friend thought long and hard about his decision. I’m also convinced he believed in the immortality of his spirit, and setting himself up for a “do-over” may not be the best path, but at least an acceptable one to him. Although I have a hard time seeing self-respect and respect for others, morality is a matter of personal conviction. Finally, my friend had the right to choose his path leading to knowledge and wisdom.

No, my friend was not a Keltrian, although he was of the Neopagan persuasion, and embraced many of the beliefs of our sub-culture. However, I am a Keltrian and must go to our beliefs to seek succor when faced with these questions that flap in the wind like tattered banners in Tragedy’s wake.

Is there ever a case for suicide? I certainly could not deny a terminal patient morphine when the physical pain was unbearable. I heard about a study conducted in Europe once. The conclusion was that some people lived longer than clinical expectations simply because they had a choice when their pain or physical debilities became unbearable. Other than that, I still think suicide is selfish and cowardly - at least for me.

The bottom line is that I cannot impose my beliefs on another human being. Even though my fear and anger was born out of concern for my beloved friend, it is not my place to impose my philosophies on another spirit. The only thing I can do is look for answers using the vocabulary of the Keltrian Beliefs to guide me through my time of grief.

I rarely put forth my own interpretations and perceptions in a forum such as this. It’s important that my own thoughts are not tangled with the secular office of vice president. Therefore, these are my own opinions and not those of the Henge of Keltria. I thought that my process my be either helpful or interesting. I will also mention that I have left out many personal details in my writing regarding my friend and me. I have tried to share a personal process and journey here while keeping personal information private.

I hope that what comes to light, is that the Keltrian Beliefs have quite a bit of wiggle room, which allow for somewhat differing opinions while folks can still walk the same path. My hope is that we can begin a discussion in these pages, if anyone thinks it might be helpful.

I will close by saying I wish my seasonal message could have been..... well, more seasonal. I acknowledge that the content of this writing is more appropriate for Samhain. Due to current circumstances, I am just not in the head space to twitter about green growing things and bunnies playing in the grass. On the other hand, I have to   ask myself whether or not I feel better; the answer is yes, I do. Do I have all the answers? No, I don’t, but that’s fine. My fears for my friend are mitigated and I have moved to acceptance.

WWW,
- Wren

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